What Lie are You Listening To?
By guest contributor Chance Scoggins.
What lies are you listening to? Does your inner critic say, “You’re a loser? You can’t do anything right? You’ll never win?” Time to change your limiting beliefs and change your life.
I’m broken and unfixable.
My life is what it is.
I’m too old. My best days are behind me.
I don’t have time.
I’m good, but not good enough. Someone always beats me out.
Once I learn more about it, I’ll step out.
I’ve got ideas, but no one will give me a chance.
If I let myself really care about someone, they’ll break my heart.
I’m going to fail, and everyone’s watching.
I’ll never have a family.
She’s going to cheat on me.
I can’t get out of this hole.
I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop. I have to.
I’ve lost the thing that made me special.
I don’t have enough ________.
If you’re like me, it hurts even to read that list. But did some of it feel familiar? It did to me.
I asked several people in my life to anonymously share the message that creeps into their head and privately taunts them. This is part of the list that has formed so far. Keep in mind, these are uncommon people. They’re leaders of their industries, the center of their circles, and some of the smartest and most effective people I know. They’re doers. They’re popular. Many of them wise, some of them famous.
And yet each of them has vicious, paralyzing lies swirling around in their heads. Lies that are eager to make them believe they’re not enough, that the obstacles in their way are too great for them to overcome. Lies that would surely derail them if they let them linger and didn’t deal with them swiftly.
And so it is with you and me.
Were you to quiet yourself and ask, “What is the lie I’m listening to?”, you’d be stunned at the list you could make. Maybe some of these thoughts would make it onto your list, or maybe yours would look completely different. Regardless, like everyone walking the face of the earth, there’s a battle raging in your heart and mind between the person you were meant to be – and a second rate, apathetic, lazy and scared, counterfeit version of yourself.
We win or lose this battle by what we choose to believe – truth or lies. It’s a simple, but life altering fact: If you’re beaten in your mind, you’re beaten before you even begin. Period. Every time.
Think about it. If you think your efforts are for nothing – that you don’t have enough time or potential, that this is all there is, that it’s too late for you – then why in the world would you waste even one minute trying? What kind of dummy would you have to be to make a change if you believed your fate was sealed? And so you stand still… which, ironically, actually does seal your fate.
As we think, so we are. So it’s worth truly considering –
– What is the lie or limiting belief you’re listening to?
– What has it cost you to believe it?
– What would be possible if you decided to change your mind?
– What’s stopping you?
Face your limiting beliefs now. Changing your thoughts can change your life.
Back to you…..share your limiting belief. You’re not alone we all have them.
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P.S. While you’re here learn how to easily turn up the volume on your intuition: Click here now!
Chance Scoggins is the author of a brave living blog, and is also an award-winning music producer. Grab his free eBook, Quotable, here.
What are your beliefs about being a “nice person?”
A desire to be nice drives many of us to be people pleasers.
It can be hard to know where true nice ends and being a DoorMat begins. Many people have great misconceptions about what nice behavior is or they call themselves nice for the wrong reasons. The people pleasing kind of “nice” behavior often makes you unhappy, angry or frustrated when people aren’t “nice” back. When I was a DoorMat, I made everyone more important than me. Looking back, I was rarely happy inside. I took crumbs people threw me instead of getting what I really wanted.
The idea of being a nice person has been getting a negative rap.
Pop celebrities like Kim Kardashian complain that being nice hurts them. Popular books, like Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, advise suppressing your desire to be nice in order to succeed. And of course Leo Durocher’s quote, “Nice guys finish last,” gets repeated over and over as a lament about why people need to get tougher, more aggressive, and less giving if they want to get their needs met and advance more in the workplace and in life.
People equate being “nice” with being seen as weak and unattractive.
Those who consider themselves “nice” may feel used, taken for granted or unappreciated. But none of those beliefs are true! When I recognized the true meaning of nice, I got a lot more and my happiness blossomed. I want to clear up 10 common misconceptions about what nice is and isn’t so that more nice people can finish first. Then you can redefine “nice” in a way that empowers you. Here are 10 common beliefs about being nice that just aren’t true!
Nice means helping everyone and being agreeable all the time, whether you want to or not.
Wrong! Nice does NOT mean doing favors indiscriminately or always being agreeable. There’s a big difference between being a nice person and being a people pleaser. True nice means considerate, respectful, and helping others selectively when it doesn’t hurt or inconvenience you badly. People pleasers try too hard to please, putting everyone before their own well-being or needs. You can be kind and friendly without giving yourself away to everyone who wants something.
It’s not nice to say “no.”
Wrong! What’s not nice is to say “no” to yourself in order to say “yes” to others. It’s nice to do favors when you can, not at the expense of your own needs or sacrificing yourself for the sake of everyone. Empowered nice people understand that saying “no” to what you don’t want to do says “yes” to your preferences. And you have a right to that!
It’s nice to try to go along with what others want.
Wrong! It’s not nice to put what you want to do on the back burner to please others. I used to cancel plans to accommodate others and tried to ignore that nobody did that for me. Good relationships are built on compromising so everyone has their way sometimes. Empowered nice people make their desires known and expect to get them met at least sometimes. It’s nice to have an equal say in the restaurant or movie to go to or other decisions that affect you.
Nice people should try to please everyone.
Wrong! Hello! That’s not nice! It’s buying friends with favors. It’s not nice when giving is a one-way street and you’re going the wrong way. Empowered nice people help and do favors on an individual basis, depending on what works for you and who the person is. Pleasing people should feel good, not make you feel used or taken for granted. The more you nourish yourself, the more energy you have to give to others.
God wants me to be as nice as possible to everyone.
I have a strong spiritual core and believed God wanted me to please everyone. But, I left out the most important person—me! When you try to be good to everyone, YOU should be included. We often forget ourselves and neglect our needs in pursuit of being “nice.” Spiritual doesn’t mean sacrificing for anyone who wants something while leaving yourself out. God wants you to be good to YOU too!. Find a balance between giving to others and getting your needs met too. Now that I’m no longer a DoorMat, I love to help when possible to be kind, not to score points or have it returned. And I’m nice to me too!
It’s important to be liked by everyone.
Wrong! There’s nothing nice about you being unhappy, no matter how many are happy as a result of your sacrifice. It’s impossible to make everyone like you. And buying people with favors doesn’t mean they like you. They may just like the perks of keeping you around. Empowered nice people know when you’re kind but set boundaries on what you can do, you find out who likes you for you! Those people are the keepers.
It’s nice to be modest.
Wrong! It’s not nice to belittle yourself or negate compliments or avoid sharing what you’re proud of to build others up. Owning your accomplishments increases self-esteem. That doesn’t mean overtly bragging, which does get annoying. Many of us were taught to downplay our victories and shrug off compliments instead of acknowledging them. Empowered nice people know that when you just say “thank you” and nothing more when receiving praise and express pride about your successes and wonderful qualities, confidence increases.
It’s nicer to keep the peace than to risk an argument.
Wrong! Keeping quiet about things that bother you is not nice because it can stir up anger, frustration and other negative emotions that hurt you. Silence tells people what they’re doing is okay when it’s not. Empowered nice people know you should and can be heard by speaking your mind in a considerate, friendly and straightforward manner. If you keep your emotions in check and gently explain how you feel, it shouldn’t erupt into an argument.
Nice people get passed over for romance.
People pleasers turn people off. Nice people with confidence don’t. People often try to please because they don’t feel good about themselves. Self-proclaimed “nice guys” say they go out of their way to be nice and it doesn’t work. An overly accommodating attitude says you don’t feel good about yourself and it screams insecurity. Being with someone who’s bending over backwards to please, creates pressure to reciprocate. If you live up to the true definition of nice, you’ll make a better impression. Don’t try so hard to please. Be courteous and confident and you’ll prove that true nice can be attractive.
Nice people finish last.
People pleasers/DoorMats finish last. They think they’re nice but get upset when they feel they don’t get back for all they give and believe they must do a 180 and become tough and aggressive in order to succeed. Empowered nice people know that people pleasing is not nice and you should give when you want to, not because it’s expected or you want something in return. When you’re courteous, respectful, confident and set boundaries for how much you can give, you can be a nice person who finishes first.
Let go of those myths about what nice behavior is and do your best to be considerate, friendly, respectful and give with boundaries. That helps you become an empowered nice person. People will both like you and take you seriously. That helps you to be the best person you can be! And it allows you to be happier because you’ll like the person you are and people will respect you more.
Were you under any of these misconceptions about being “nice?” What will you change after reading this article? Have questions for Daylle?
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P.S. It’s official! “The Intuition Answer Book” is an Amazon best seller. Check it out – click here.
Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a self-empowerment counselor, speaker, author of 13 books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First and founder of The Self-Love Movement™. She is giving her 13th book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways away for free. Click here to get your copy. She also writes the blog, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat . Daylle has been on 500+ TV and radio shows, including Oprah and Good Morning America and quoted in dozens of publications, including The New York Times. Visit Daylle’s webesite and subscribe at www.Daylle.com
We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort. –Jesse Owens
Years ago I met a playwright. Actually, let me rephrase that – I didn’t meet her she came into my life as a temp office worker.
One morning a top heavy woman in a low cut blouse, short skirt, wearing red cowboy boots showed up to fill in for my secretary. I showed her to the desk in the reception area outside my office. Before taking off her fringed suede cowboy jacket she pulled a small booklet out of her pocket and placed it on the desk.
While she hung up her jacket in the closet I glanced at the booklet titled, “Backstage.”
“Are you an actress?” I asked very proud of myself for knowing what this magazine was used for.
The woman gave me an icy stare before answering, “No, I’m a playwright.” It was obvious that she felt that being a playwright was superior to being an actor.
While I worked in the financial industry I was a writer in my spare time so, meeting someone who was so bold as to announce that she was a playwright was very intriguing, to say the least.
Fast forward a few months and we became friends.
I was so envious of her life. She was the author of a successful series of young adult novels and lived in in Manhattan Plaza, a subsidized apartment complex for members of the performing arts. She also wrote periodically for a television soap opera and worked temp jobs only when she needed extra money. She spent the rest of her time writing and hanging out with other cool “artists” in coffee shops and cafes.
To say I was impressed would have been putting it mildly. I’d never met anyone like her. She was living her dream – actually my dream. I was invited to her wedding where I was seated next to her agent. Later I became an associate producer for her play which was performed at several regional theaters.
It was all just too good to be true.
The only problem was that while I was living vicariously through her my life didn’t change one bit. She kept urging me to quit my job and do what I loved but, I was afraid to give up the security. I was also afraid of what people would think of me.
Eventually we lost touch when she moved to L.A.
So, why am I telling you all this?
When I look back on it now I realize that I while I thought I was bringing my dreams to life by hanging out with her and sharing my work with her agent – I was only “scheming.”
I thought that if I hung around with people who were doing what I wanted to do that my life would change.
It didn’t change though because I didn’t change. I was still too attached to my suits and briefcase. That was my identity and I couldn’t “dream” beyond it.
The Universe had synchronistically placed at my feet, a role model and path to show me that there were people doing what I only dreamed of doing but, I had been too insecure and scared to take the first step.
What I learned from this was that if you want “be” something you have to “be” that something inside or all the validation from the outside world will not make you believe it is the truth.
In other words you must be able to shout from the mountain tops with full confidence that you are already this “thing” that you dream of becoming.
For example, this friend thought I had talent as a writer. She introduced me to her agent who also thought I was talented. I was elated but, I had doubts and felt so insecure inside that nothing changed on the outside because I did not take action.
The reason why I was so taken by this woman when she announced with full confidence that she was a “playwright,” was because she was so sure of it. She wasn’t embarrassed about temping as a secretary. She didn’t say, “I’m hoping to have a play I’ve written produced but, in the meantime I’m temping……” She was already completely confident that she was a playwright.
Each of us needs to arrive at this same unshakeable conclusion inside if we wish to achieve our dreams.
When your beliefs inside match what you wish to achieve outside absolutely nothing will hold you back from achieving it.
In the meantime stop scheming. Stop trying to find “back doors” to do the thing you love. The only thing that will allow you to develop the confidence to shout out “I am…..this or that” with complete confidence is to practice doing the thing itself. No amount of rubbing elbows and social climbing can do that for you.
In order to arrive at this conclusion you will have to work hard at honing your craft – whatever that may be and not be tempted to take side entrances to getting where you want to go. And, I can guarantee you it won’t happen overnight either.
It took me 2o years to own my expertise and to finally write a book about to how to create a life you love by relying on your intuition – which is the book idea I pitched to the agent I mention in this article.
Be prepared to work hard and not give up
You will need to take classes, get training and practice, practice and practice some more. And, in doing so there will come a point when your beliefs will shift and you will no longer feel like a sham – and you own your brilliance. You will become a person who can shout to the whole world that you are who you say you are and then and only then will things change on the outside to match what you believe on the inside.
Are you the same person on the inside that you claim to be on the outside? Can you think of any instances in your life where you weren’t yet ready to own your goal?
If you enjoyed this interview please share it on Twitter, FB & G+. Thank you.
Check out these great interviews about the book by some great bloggers:
Day 10: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2012/05/is-intuition-bogus/
Day 10: http://www.arvinddevalia.com/blog/2012/05/23/power-of-intuition/
Day 11: http://www.thebridgemaker.com/the-intuition-principle/
Day 11: http://gettingtozen.com/2012/05/angela-artemis-attracting-the-life-you-dream-of-and-the-great-book-giveaway/
Can saying “no” help you grow and prosper?
Yes, it can.
How do I know?
I learned by making the mistake of saying, “yes” to too many things when I should have said “no.”
I said yes to clients when I wanted to say “no” and “yes” to collaborations, committees and constant availability by phone and email when I wanted and very much needed rest.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t assist others but, saying “Yes” to another request when our plates are already full is detrimental to our growth in many ways.
Here’s why: (more…)
If you’re anything like me, you may have been raised to believe that self-love had nothing to do with success.
Paying too much attention to yourself was just plain shameful and smacked of conceit.
And, only weak individuals who needed to rely on others to take care of them “pampered” themselves. (more…)