Can tragedy become an unexpected gift in our lives?
This is a guest post for Powered by Intuition by Jennifer Boykin.
It’s been just over twenty years since I held my newborn daughter Grace while she died.
People will tell you that no one should outlive their child, and they are right. Nobody wants to be a member of the “parents of dead babies club,” but, we are out there. And, having lived through it, I can say – in fact I MUST say – that, if you really, really want it, you CAN find a way through your suffering, no matter what you’ve lost.
But I was ornery enough to insist that settling for just “getting through” that loss would not be enough. I wanted to TRIUMPH over the suffering, because I realized pretty early on that the best way to honor my daughter’s memory was to make it serve some good use.
When you “do your grief work,” you not only serve as a beacon of hope for others, you also uncover deep and lasting reserves of strength and resilience inside yourself. One way or another, your losses will shape you and the way you live the remainder of your days.
That’s because, when it comes to loss, you either Get Bitter. Or, you Get Better.
If you decide that better is better for you, here are some steps you can take to move yourself through your sorrow so that you can harness the amazing transformational power of loss and suffering:
In order to get through loss, you have to be willing to give up your “story.”
Really, really, it is a very dramatic thing to be the parent of a dead child. And there are individuals and even entire communities that will give you unlimited attention for this for the rest of your life.
But, is that really the kind of attention you want? Unless you are willing to give up your story of loss, betrayal, and suffering, you are doomed to carry it forward with you wherever you go. You become defined by your loss. To just the extent that you choose to hold the loss in your heart and mind, to just that extent do you squander the possible moments of joy that would have been available to you. The cost of martyrdom is joy.
In order to get through loss, you have to understand the duality of change.
Endings and beginnings are simply the yin and yang of change. One defines the other. And one can NEVER be present without the other. Thus, if you choose to spend the rest of your days with the love of your life, you “lose” forever the freedoms of your single days. Never again can you just do what you want to do when you want to do it. You trade that freedom for companionship. Loss is intrinsic in every joy that you have ever had.
Indeed, loss is intrinsic in all of life, and yet, as a culture, we seek to deny and avoid loss. Once you understand the futility of expecting a life free of sorrow, you are free to REALLY embrace loving and the absolute breathtaking JOY of LIVING! Sorrow is the bill that comes due for the price of loving. Accept that and you are free.
You can mitigate ANY loss by harnessing its transformative power.
Grief has an energy of its own. It will have its way with you, until it doesn’t. But you can help yourself through. Learn to set boundaries around your suffering. Make appointments with it, in fact, so that you begin to carve out some moments where you focus on reclaiming your joy and your light.
Your losses are going to change you.
What this means is that your losses are going to make new discoveries, new soul-places, new visions available to you that WERE NOT POSSIBLE before the loss. Before my baby died, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And now I do.
Here’s what I know:
• All healing is possible,
• There is joy in loss because loss is borne in love,
• There is transformation in loss because the bereaved has a deeper capacity to love,
• Loss hollows out your soul and,
• You either Get Bitter,
• Or, you Get Better.
• But, you can’t have both.
BECAUSE I am Grace’s mother, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW that life is too short – life is too uncertain – to spend one moment living timidly. We are meant to embrace life, to wrest from it every exquisitely beautiful moment we can, to flower and grow and shape and change and serve those around us.
Still, even the most beautiful blossom has a dormant season. The next time you are suffering, fear it less. Know that this period can be a gift of transformation, if you choose life instead of loss.
The only way out is through. Love yourself gently. Love yourself more fully. Embrace and celebrate the love you feel for others. Yes, there will be suffering when love ends. But only because there was GREAT JOY while it was here.
Has your life been touched by loss? How did you heal? How did it change you? What helpful advice can you share with others about it?
Jennifer Boykin is the Creator of, Life After Tampons. Jennifer has written a free 5-part guide to healing from loss. If you’d like for her to send you the program, please let her know here.
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Fabulous post! Thank you for introducing Jennifer Boykin to me. I have known many who have lost children, and I love her approach to “make appointments” with grief and her statement that “loss is borne in love.” I had not thought of it quite that way before. Of course we would not experience loss so deeply if it was not about LOVE. Beautiful!
I think we do need to give up our “story” in terms of not remaining stuck in the pain of it, but doesn’t a transformed story mean we have integrated it into positive action rather than giving it up?
I have spent the past 5 years brainstorming all sorts of ways to move my story into a way to impact others positively. My specific story only serves me as far as I hope to be able to create a nonprofit organization that helps caregivers of ill children. So in that sense I am remaining attached to the story of my own child’s illness/suffering despite her now being healthy and brilliant. Had I not experienced the intensity of watching ill children suffer for years to live and others die, I would not be the parent I am, nor would my heart know what it knows. It is as if when one’s heart is been blown open, the desire becomes very strong to connect to other hearts. So in that sense, all stories of suffering and loss are beautiful.
This is so uplifting. When you experience failure or loss in your life doesn’t mean that you will just let life bring you down. Always think that it’s a challenge for you to make a better individual!
You are so right, Marnie. We get to choose how we repond. J
Your post brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. What courage and strength you have Jennifer. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you, Carolyn. That is so lovely. J
Jennifer….The way you have journeyed through the loss of your daughter is not only inspirational but exquisite. I have witnessed a friend who lost her daughter. Her persistence and insatiable desire to celebrate her daughter’s memory, let go of the ‘why it happened’ and move on to live a rich, meaningful life made me marvel at the power of one human being. Like you Jennifer, she has used this loss to be a beacon of light. Fran
Thank you, Fran. And HURRAY for your friend. To me, it’s just the most sensible and loving way to deal with it all. We don’t pretend stuff didn’t happen. But we don’t dwell on it, either.
J
Hi Jennifer:
I always remember my mom telling me that one of the worst things she thought could happen was outliving her children. While that hasn’t come to pass, it has always stayed with me.
I can’t imagine what losing a child must be like. I just read about Sylvester Stallone’s son a few days ago and wondered how he was handling everything. Whether you have have been a mother for a short while or many years, you are losing the moments and time you thought you would have had.
We can never know what plans are laid out for us. Some people are in our lives for far too short of a time, but each person leaves their mark in our hearts and in our minds and blesses us with their presence even in the short while they were here.
– Wendy
Thank you, Wendy. For me, though, Grace’s death is a “complete” loss for me. I don’t have any unfinished business with her. So, I have healed and now I just want her story to bring healing to others. Thank you for letting me know that it has. Jen
Jennifer,
What an article and what help you give others when you write on the subject. I will head over to read your blog! So wonderful to be introduced to you!
Thanks Angela!
Thank you, Betsy, for your kindness. Jen
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your story here on Powered by Intuition.
xoxo,
Angela
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU, Angela. I’ve loved connecting with your beautiful readers. J
Jennifer,
This is a truly amazing article. Thank you so much for sharing your story…and for reminding us all to be willing to release attachment to our stories so that we can grow. Love to you.
Thank you, love. We are all just bumbling along together. And that’s just really, really nice. Jen
Inspiring post Jennifer. Your wise words will be helpful to many. I love your point that we can get bitter or we can get better, but we can’t have both. Also that we need to let go of our story. We can get so wrapped up in it and carry it with us where ever we go. My heart goes out to you for your loss. You have taken a tragic event and turned it into a lesson for all of us. Thank you.
Thank you, Cathy.
What a wonderfully positive post, Jennifer. I can only imagine the strength of mind and heart you must need to see tragedy as a gift. I am sorry about your loss. Warm hugs!
I am a strong person. But there are times I feel I’ll never get over my Mom’s passing two years ago. She was my best friend and only 17ish years older than I. I see her in my dreams, I talk to her in my head…and I miss her like crazy. I’ve lost a lot of dear ones over the last few years and sometimes, I feel quite miserable. I know I’ve moved on, I am coping with life…but I’ve never considered seeing it in a positive light. No, I am not bitter at all. I cope by remembering the good times and doing the things we planned to do and that is soothing in some way.
Loved the post. Totally warmed my heart. Love, Vidya
Dearest beautiful Vidya, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. She must have been utterly amazing to have left such a beautiful love-mark on your soul.
Beautiful post and beautifully said Jennifer. Having lost more than one very important person in my life I understand your sadness at the loss of your little daughter. And I applaud your resilience and love and thank you for sharing your story…which I know will be so helpful to many for whom the pain of loss is still fresh.
I’ve never really thought about it before…but you are so right…loss is intrinsic in every joy we’ve had and then it’s up to us as to what we do with it.
Elle
xoxo
Thank you, Elle.
A great lesson to transform loss into joy. But I do not agree that love ever ends. It cannot by it’s nature. I know that the love my mother gave me never ended. I feel it everyday. Her body died not her love.
Thank you, Rosemarie. That’s lovely. Jen
Thank you, Rosemarie. How lovely that you feel so connected to your mother. Jen
Wonderful post!
Sorry to hear about your loss Jennifer, though I’m glad you have learnt to overcome it now.
I lost my mother a few years back to cancer and yes indeed, either you get bitter or you get better. I chose the later and there’s a lot of learning a departed soul teaches you when it leaves you. I feel I matured up much more after her.
However, for me, she is and will always remain my guardian angel. Those we love deeply, never really leave us. They are always around us, deep within our heart and soul – isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Hi, love. I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. Yes, and I so agree about the “always with you” part, though, since I knew Grace for just 32 minutes I don’t have the rich memory bank to draw on that I do for others I have loved longer. Because of this, I’ve had to take a very determined approach to finding meaning and making her life matter.
All blessings.
Jennifer
Beautiful! To Triumph over suffering is a wonderful concept to help one live life well beyond one’s losses; to create meaning, find purpose and re-engage with joy and love after and through one’s pain.
I followy your blog and am truly amazed by your ‘after loss life’. You are an inspiration to the power of the human spirit’s resiliency.
Oh my, Harriet, how lovely. Thank you so much for taking a moment to write. Jen