This is a guest post by Daylle Deanna Schwartz for Powered by Intuition
It’s common to hear people complain about friends or romantic partners while they stay in the relationship.
These folks tolerate unacceptable behavior to keep the peace or because they’re afraid of losing people they think they need. Or, they’re so in the habit of pleasing everyone and don’t know how to set boundaries.
I hear:
- “When he gets angry, he deeply hurts me with insults.”
- “She makes me feel that my money is more important than me.”
- My friend rarely keeps her word but we go back years so I tolerate it.
- “I’m always there for my friends but feel like most don’t support me.”
Yet they continue to maintain the relationships, tolerate hurtful behavior and then wonder why they don’t have supportive friends or a healthy romantic partner. They give their love freely to others, thinking that makes them a nice person. But doing that is not nice to you! Allowing yourself to be in a relationship of any sort that doesn’t feel good most of the time reflects a lack of self-love and impedes developing it.
The best way to counter getting into unhealthy relationships is to consciously be more loving to YOU.
When you love yourself, you want to be with people who make you feel good and your tolerance for those who don’t treat you well gets weak. When you don’t love yourself, you settle for crumbs and endure unacceptable behavior, just to have someone. As your self-love increases, so does awareness that you deserve to be treated kindly. The more you love yourself, the higher your standards for what is acceptable behavior in others and the kind of people you want to spend time with.
Even if you don’t love yourself yet, kinder gestures towards you trigger more loving feelings. Every little loving action that you take is a brick in the foundation of self-love. Recognizing that you deserve more or better than what someone gives you is a loving gift. Self-love helps open your eyes to one-way friendships where you do most of the giving, It helps you walk away from a controlling romantic partner, say “no more” to verbal abuse and set boundaries on your people pleasing habits.
The more you make healthier choices in the name of self-love, the more self-control you’ll feel, which strengthens your positive sense of self. The more self-love you feel, the more selective you’ll be about choosing who to build a relationship with. Strong self-love can also help you walk away from a romantic partner or friend who makes you more miserable than happy.
Likes attract like
People without much self-love tend to attract people who probably won’t make healthy romantic partners, or be supportive friends. While you might eventually get disgusted enough to cut your ties with someone, chances are, you find another revolving door relationship—attracting someone with issues similar to the person you left. This cycle continues if you don’t feel you deserve better or deep down you feel more secure being with this type of person, even if he or she makes you unhappy. Self-love helps you break this cycle. It motivates building relationships that make you happy.
When you love yourself, it’s easier to attract healthier loving people.
The more self-love you have, the more you’ll speak up about behavior you don’t like and express your own opinions instead of just going along with what others think. Self-love raises consciousness about getting your needs met. All of that will boost your confidence, which is very attractive. The more you love yourself, the more desirable you’ll be to a healthy romantic partner and the more you’ll attract healthier friendships.
People who are emotionally healthy recognize the attitude that self-love creates in others and are drawn to it. Having a loving relationship with yourself can even transform the dynamics with friends who hadn’t been supportive in the past. As you continue to add bricks to the foundation of your self-love, you’ll enjoy the benefits—attracting healthier people for both romantic and platonic relationships. Love yourself enough to be connect with people who will make you happy!
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Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a self-empowerment counselor, speaker, and author of 13 popular books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill) and blog at, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat . She recently launched http://HowDoILoveMe.com, with a self-love pledge and is giving her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, away for free as a download.
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So many synchronicities in the post for me and so right on time! A great affirmation for this is I AM WORTHY and I AM LOVE!!!
We start becoming judgmental of ourselves and others when we need to love ourselves more. Knowing that you are worthy and that you ARE love is very healing. Thank you!
Hi Kenya,
I’m so glad you found this post worthwhile and that it was here just when you needed it!
I am living proof this is true. You exepreince freedom when you love yourself. That is when I knew I could not stay in my draining relationship. And since then have attracted a perfect love.
Hi Rosemarie,
Yes, for sure! I’m so happy for you too! You deserve to happy.
So true Peter. We are mirrors for the people we attract.
People can be thick Justin but it can’t hurt to try. I hear from people every day who say one of my blog posts reached them.
Cathy, I agree that it’s especially important to teach our kids!
I’m glad this resonated with you Aileen!
Daylle,
Thank you so much for contributing your lovely guest post to PbI~!
It was a pleasure having you here.
Angela
“The best way to counter getting into unhealthy relationships is to consciously be more loving to YOU.” Such GREAT advice and words of wisdom!
Angela, this is such a great guest post! Far, far, far too many people stay in unhealthy relationships or repeat the pattern. Daylle offers a strong and important message!
This is an important message! We should first love ourselves and then teach our kids to love themselves as well, so that they have good self esteem, feel confident and can get a good start in life. Sometimes it takes a few big mistakes to realize that you are attracting the same type of person in your life. It is wonderful to let go and be true to yourself.
Hi Daylle,
This post is timeless and we must never forget the important message in it.
It’s funny in a weird way of knowing the importance of self-love and like attracts like when I hear people complain how others are making their lives miserable.
I would like to direct them to your post but I don’t know if the message would get through to them.
I think this is a perfect example of one’s environment mirroring her inner reality. If you love yourself, your “environment” (which includes people), will mirror that love back at you!
Thanks for having me Angela!
I did that experiment too Henway, and learned who my real friends were. By then I loved myself enough to let go of the ones who I had to call to stay in touch with.
Hope your daughter benefits from this Galen!
So true Lynne! Self-love, in my opinion, is the foundation for a positive life.
I agree Rob. Self is the only guaranteed person in our lives.
You’re right Ricky, that people mistake self-love for self-absorption. That’s why my blog and free book explain that self-love means taking care of yourself, and helping others when you can. We have a lot more to give others when we love ourselves first.
This is all very true, but I think a problem too is that too many people in this day and age will take this advice and still misapply it because many of us don’t understand what self-love is. We create this twisted parody of self-love that is really self-absorption, overcompensation for low self-esteem, narcissism, solipsism, etc., and then call THAT self-love, when it’s really an aversion to true self-acceptance and a toxic way of coping with self-hate.
So while I totally agree with your advice, I think we need to teach more people what true self-love is. I’m still learning this myself.
Great stuff Dayell & Angela,
When we begin listening to those who insist they know whats best for us, the truth of our unlimited nature is harshly distorted. Those closest to us can scribble some pretty scary opinions on our mental slate – it is wise to rely on no opinions other than those that feel absolutely right for YOU and only YOU. We can only rely on ourselves when we LOVE who we are being
Its the first requirement if you want to have a good an healthy relationship. Loving yourself goes above and beyond thinking you look to-die-for in that little black dress and 3-inch heels. It’s more than just an inner confidence and feeling comfortable in a relationship with your man. It’s all about being completely happy with the person that you are — the amazing traits and the flaws all in one without any qualms. Self-love is essential in having a truly fulfilling relationship with a partner. It’s the basis for self-esteem and self-worth. It is not ego-based or thinking of yourself first at the expense of others. Self-love is the quintessential element in developing and maintaining a healthy sense of self. It’s far easier to know your self honestly and completely when you like – and ideally love – the person that you are. If your abs aren’t that flat this year, so what? You still love you for you. Without self-love you lack the confidence of knowing that you are able to provide basic needs and desires for yourself. As successful a woman as you may be (as a parent, in your role at work, as a sibling, friend, or mentor), without self-love you continue to struggle with feeling worthy and emotionally independent. You rely on others for evidence of your value and self-worth, and continue to question evidence even when it is presented to you.
Lynne
Oh, I wish one of my daughters would read this! She is exactly the person you are describing. I hope that she will love herself enough to get into a healthy, loving relationship. I will pass this on to her. Thank you!
This year, I actually did a mini experiment where I didn’t initiate any contact with friends who I always initiated with. What happened was that none of them have even talked, or called me so far. I think we shouldn’t waste time on ppl who don’t make time for us.
I can tell that in my life, when I love myself enough, I’m happier and better things start to happen.
All my parents have ever done throughout my life is to encourage me to love myself, love what I do, and then love others in return. You’ve really got to LOVE yourself first before you’ll find room in your heart to love others.
Hi Christian,
I’m so happy to hear that your parents encouraged you to love yourself. It’s pretty rare that you hear that.
Most comments say that they wish their parents had instilled this in them!