Sunday is Father’s Day. I’m betting that there will some people celebrating their relationships with their fathers and some – not so much.
Some people say we choose our parents before we are born.
We don’t have any evidence of this but, thinking about the possibility that we might have chosen our parents in advance of being born could make us ask this question, “Why did I chose them?”
Now I know it’s customary to write something warm and fuzzy on the occasion of celebrating either Mother’s Day or Father’s Day but, I want to talk about the elephant in the room that some of you live with that etiquette dictates you are to ignore on these holidays.
You know who you are.
You are the one with an alcoholic parent, conniving parent, or absentee parent that you’ve excused far too many times for their many betrayals. You are the one with the toxic parent or parents.
They are the controlling and manipulating parents, critical and judgmental parents, physically or verbally abusive parent and well – you can fill in the blank______________ for whatever describes your parents or parent or family.
What I want to ask you is this:
If you had been given a choice to pick your parents why do think you would have chosen this couple?
This is what I think. When you don’t have the type of parents who make you want to genuinely celebrate a day like Father’s or Mother’s Day:
You chose them to learn how to love yourself despite what was being mirrored back to you from them.
I honestly think that part of our journey is to realize that we are worthy of love no matter what we have been subjected to.
When you are raised in an abusive environment – or let’s just call it the less than perfect environment, you are most likely dealing with a parent that doesn’t love themselves. If they don’t love themselves it’s going to be pretty hard for them to show you the kind of love you crave and need as a child growing up. They probably never got it from their parents or they wouldn’t be the way there are.
They are acting out all of their own self-hatred, lack of self-esteem and unworthiness issues within the family they created.
When you get to be an adult you have to find a way to deal with it – in your head and heart so that you can get on with your own life. If you’re self-aware you’re going to want to deal with it so you don’t recreate the same issues for your own kids or with your spouse too.
You might come from the kind of family that has never been honest with one another and pretends that the elephant in the room doesn’t exist and this could go on for years and years.
Or you might get to a point where the relationship is so toxic to you that you must walk away to save your own life.
Sometimes you have no choice but to call it “quits“
There is no “black and white” here. In an ideal world you would have worked things out but, then again if it was an ideal world you wouldn’t have had those parents either.
When the parent is unwilling to accept any responsibility for the suffering, pain and damage they’ve caused you really have no choice but, to try to make your life the best it can be from that point forward. No matter how much we’d like to we cannot change anyone. The only person we can change is ourselves.
You don’t want to spend the rest of your life seething over whatever went on so forgive them and free yourself. If they knew better they would have done better.
Take back your self-respect and self-esteem
If you have to move or limit your interactions – do it. Taking action and responsibility for your own life is the best way to restore and repair your own damaged self-esteem.
Love yourself – you are worthy
You are pure love and pure goodness inside. Your soul is perfect. Love yourself and know that you are worthy of love regardless of what you were told at home.
Send love even if you cannot be in their physical presence
Just keep telling yourself that at the soul level your parents or parent is pure love and pure goodness inside just as you are. Say a prayer and send them love.
Know that it’s okay to protect yourself from further abuse. Just be sure that if you do call it “quits” you’ve first done all you can to try to repair the relationship and that you are calling it quits to preserve your own self-respect not, out of hatred anger or trying to “punish” them.
Know that things could change in the future
Stay open and do try to reach out from time to time. Your parent may come around some day. If they do welcome them with open arms.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. I miss my dad a lot. Wish you were still here so I could tell you I love you Dad!
How has your relationship with your father or mother been? Is there an elephant at your family functions? How are you handling it?
P.S. Today is the last day of, “The Intuition Principle” book tour. The book hit #4 on Amazon in its category! Woo-hoo! Do check out the marvelous book reviews and interviews by these fabulous bloggers:
Day 25: All the Answers Are Within
Day 27: Intuition Can Heal The World