This is a guest post by Daylle Deanna Schwartz for Powered by Intuition
It’s common to hear people complain about friends or romantic partners while they stay in the relationship.
These folks tolerate unacceptable behavior to keep the peace or because they’re afraid of losing people they think they need. Or, they’re so in the habit of pleasing everyone and don’t know how to set boundaries.
- “When he gets angry, he deeply hurts me with insults.”
- “She makes me feel that my money is more important than me.”
- My friend rarely keeps her word but we go back years so I tolerate it.
- “I’m always there for my friends but feel like most don’t support me.”
Yet they continue to maintain the relationships, tolerate hurtful behavior and then wonder why they don’t have supportive friends or a healthy romantic partner. They give their love freely to others, thinking that makes them a nice person. But doing that is not nice to you! Allowing yourself to be in a relationship of any sort that doesn’t feel good most of the time reflects a lack of self-love and impedes developing it.
The best way to counter getting into unhealthy relationships is to consciously be more loving to YOU.
When you love yourself, you want to be with people who make you feel good and your tolerance for those who don’t treat you well gets weak. When you don’t love yourself, you settle for crumbs and endure unacceptable behavior, just to have someone. As your self-love increases, so does awareness that you deserve to be treated kindly. The more you love yourself, the higher your standards for what is acceptable behavior in others and the kind of people you want to spend time with.
Even if you don’t love yourself yet, kinder gestures towards you trigger more loving feelings. Every little loving action that you take is a brick in the foundation of self-love. Recognizing that you deserve more or better than what someone gives you is a loving gift. Self-love helps open your eyes to one-way friendships where you do most of the giving, It helps you walk away from a controlling romantic partner, say “no more” to verbal abuse and set boundaries on your people pleasing habits.
The more you make healthier choices in the name of self-love, the more self-control you’ll feel, which strengthens your positive sense of self. The more self-love you feel, the more selective you’ll be about choosing who to build a relationship with. Strong self-love can also help you walk away from a romantic partner or friend who makes you more miserable than happy.
Likes attract like
People without much self-love tend to attract people who probably won’t make healthy romantic partners, or be supportive friends. While you might eventually get disgusted enough to cut your ties with someone, chances are, you find another revolving door relationship—attracting someone with issues similar to the person you left. This cycle continues if you don’t feel you deserve better or deep down you feel more secure being with this type of person, even if he or she makes you unhappy. Self-love helps you break this cycle. It motivates building relationships that make you happy.
When you love yourself, it’s easier to attract healthier loving people.
The more self-love you have, the more you’ll speak up about behavior you don’t like and express your own opinions instead of just going along with what others think. Self-love raises consciousness about getting your needs met. All of that will boost your confidence, which is very attractive. The more you love yourself, the more desirable you’ll be to a healthy romantic partner and the more you’ll attract healthier friendships.
People who are emotionally healthy recognize the attitude that self-love creates in others and are drawn to it. Having a loving relationship with yourself can even transform the dynamics with friends who hadn’t been supportive in the past. As you continue to add bricks to the foundation of your self-love, you’ll enjoy the benefits—attracting healthier people for both romantic and platonic relationships. Love yourself enough to be connect with people who will make you happy!
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Daylle Deanna Schwartz is a self-empowerment counselor, speaker, and author of 13 popular books, including Nice Girls Can Finish First (McGraw-Hill) and blog at, Lessons from a Recovering DoorMat . She recently launched http://HowDoILoveMe.com, with a self-love pledge and is giving her book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways, away for free as a download.
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